ASK ANGEL ~ ADVICE COLUMN
Hey Angel, Who do you blame? A married man has an affair with a single woman - the woman knows about the marriage. As a woman, knowing he is married, should she say no for the sake of the wife and all the blame fall on the husband, or is all the blame put on the husband, and the single woman plays no part in accepting responsibility?
This is a great question! (You know I wrote a little book ALL about this subject, right? lol) There are so many perspectives to look at here. If you had asked me this many years back, I would have said something totally different from what I am about to say now at 47 years old! Back then, I would have said it is up to the husband not to cheat, to shut down anyone who pursues him or presents him with an "opportunity." Back then, I would say it is up to that man to honor his vows. Part of me still feels this way. But with age comes wisdom and growth.
While I do not place "blame" on the other woman, I wonder about her and her motives. I've cheated, been cheated on, and cheated with. I'm not proud of being involved with another woman's husband, and I still have PTSD from being cheated on. Neither feels good. All are dead ends. But, now that I am older, I think women need to be better to other women. WHY would you want to be involved with someone else's man? No matter what stories he tells you, he still goes home to his WIFE. Why do you want those problems? What is there to prove? Statistics show married men rarely leave their wives for the mistress. We as women have to remember there are always two sides to every story and while he's laid up telling beautiful lies, someone is at home wondering where her husband is. Is it worth it? Get you a man who doesn't have anybody. It is much more rewarding! I never want to cause another woman the pain I felt or caused. Yes, HE is the one who is married. But SHE (the wife) is a woman, and she probably has no idea of the beautiful lies her husband tells or who he portrays himself to be in "these streets." I said all that to say we women need to look out for each other. Put ourselves in her shoes.
Do you believe your significant other should know EVERYTHING that you do once you are married? Who you talk to, where you go, what you do when they aren't around, passwords....??
I think people who have this belief are the reason marriages are chaotic and FAIL. Marriage does not mean you lose yourself and your privacy! Yes, two become one and all of that, but it doesn't mean you have a lifetime chaperone or stalker checking your every move! NO NO NO. I don't agree with this. People may say this is because I'm not married. But hopefully, when and if I do find that person, I hope we are on the same page when it comes to this!! It is still possible to maintain some sense of self even within a marriage, and that doesn't include sharing EVERYTHING!!
If you cheat but never get caught and stop and never cheat for the remainder of your marriage, would you ever tell your significant other later in your marriage?
I laughed out loud! WHY? You're safe. Take that to the grave. Especially if y'all are happy. Why? Why? Why? It will cause a whole level of issues you never knew existed! The questions, the emotions, the pain, the trust. Is it worth it to you? Some things are just better left unsaid. I hope that makes sense. Let it go.
I've had a 20-year friendship with a male friend. We are extremely close. We have had sex in the past but realized we are better off as friends. My new boyfriend, whom I love very much and have been with for a year, is uncomfortable with the friendship and wants me to stop communicating with my friend, but I don't want to give up that friendship. What do I do? How do I get my boyfriend to understand my friendship is strictly platonic?
Have you introduced them? Do you include your S/O in the friendship, or does he feel excluded? Try to include your S/O more to make him feel more comfortable. If that is not an option or he's not open to it; you may have to make the difficult decision and choose which is more important. Does he know you had sex with this friend? How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot? But I think opening up the friendship should help things along, assuming your S/O isn't just a jealous and insecure person. Include him. You can all be friends!